The end of things

Well, its has been a long way for me in this love life with viv. I have tought of it really clearly, and i think the true and sincere thing to do now is by letting go. I did all i could, and all seems to me that i've over done it. Its over and i give up on trying to be the man for her. I've done so many stupid things to make her go very emotional. We are argueing more than anything else.. no point bringging it to the next level when we are not meant for each other anyways. For the time being.. its just letting go of all the things we have together.. i wont give a shit anymore. Lets just walk our own seperate ways. Bye viv... Take care.

Have you ever?

Well, its been a week since i last updated. Going through a rough time here. I went for a shopping time with viv, ven and their mother. Well, that was the most expensive shopping time i ever seen. We ate the most unworthy tepanyaki in pavillion, that i can assure u guys. Sigh*

Well, the secret was out, i took viv to TonyRoma's for her bday. It wasnt much but it was as much that i could give. I think we had a good time. Haha.. She loved the flowers that i gave her, that i was really happy about.

Eventough, i was rejected again, i think it was worth a try. When we walked out of the restarant, the waiter said to me that i was lucky to have her as my GF. That really broke my heart.

Its amazing, how much a girl can change my life. I cant eat when she was not happy, i cant sleep if she wasnt home, i cant stfu if i dont know where she was, etc etc..

I know i cant be like a control freak knowing everything she does, i just need to know where she was going and i would be releived. She is a big girl, and i know she can take care of herself.

I want her soo much as my girlfriend, at least when i am not with her, i know that her heart was with me. That is something that i really needed.

I cant stand just being her "friend" because i know that she can attract many other guys out there, and i really feel insecure. I just need that bond of a boyfriend there, just to be someone more in her heart. I want to hug her to sleep, i want to give her the most romantic 1st kiss she would never forget, i want to just see her play dota like a little child, I want to be the best guy she ever knew, i want to tuck her in bed when she is sick, i want to hold her hand and enjoy the time we have together, no boundries.. no worries.. n no EMO*.

If ever that day comes, i will treasure it to the very last moments of my life...

Questions run through minds of people in love, What is she doing now? How is her studies going? Did she have enough sleep? Did her headache attack?... EVERYTHING! I just wonder, how much to i mean to her, that was y i never stop trying. I know i've been pushing too hard, but i just never want to lose her. Sob*

Drunken Story (what i remembered)

Days ago, i was whining about, if viv was going for nash's party and what a miserable time for me, but things didnt really turn up as bad as i expected.

I was sooo concerned that she might get drunk again and create a big headache for me, so i held a deal with her. She must not get drunk n she promised in condition that i must get myself drunk. Well, i dont really like myself being drunk either, but i think, i can bare with that. LOL..

That night, again we were all some typical Malaysians, that cant go according to plan. We reached poppy at 11.50pm... wow.. so much for meeting up n leaving from FTZ at 9.30. Haha.. We got there n started toasting, then viv looked at me, and reminded me about our deal. So i stood up with the birthday boy, and drinking as much as he was.

Reaching towards my 12th cup, i was really tipsy and feeling the alcohol going up my head, so i went to dance with nash, vic, cathy, danniel and viv. Along the way downstairs(towards poppy), reaching to the dance floor, i offered my hand to viv so that i dont lost her in the crowd. She just told me "no".

Well, as drunk as i was, i really got emotional, i went to the dance floor, nash was showing me signals to go dance with viv, but i refused. I keep pulling it back n start whispering to her that, it was okay, she can go dance with which ever guy she wants, I couldnt care more. Then i decided to leave the dance floor immidiately. I told her, go ahead and have fun, and head straight back to the table upstairs. She followed me to make sure that i make it to the table seeing my wavy walking.

Then she asked if i was okay, well a drunk person wont deny that that are "okay"... lol.. i went to dance at the dance floor upstairs (Passion), and again, i refused to dance with viv, i really dont think she enjoyed dancing with me anyways. I pushed her away and went back to the table to get some rest. (Removed for privacy purposes). Well, what more can i say to that? lol... i just kept quiet and ask her to go enjoy herself.

I was depressed with a given up heart that night, as she kept giving me signals that i was important to her, then somehow tearing them all the way down again... n now this... haizz... Its like a huge rooller coaster that i cant find the thrill in. But one thing that i can really conclude is that, she really did go on with our deal, she was totally sober the whole night, taking care of the drunken boy (me).

For that night, (Removed) I think that was the most romantic moment i ever had with her... if only i could just do it without getting drunk.

Even tough i spoke as if i had given up, but there is always hope, and its not over till its over. I really do love her. Sorry for the trouble viv.

As the days come

Its just so fast that tomorrow is the day of Nash's birthday celebration. Its still not known whether or not viv is going, but i just cant seem to let my friend down and agreed nomatter what i will still attend the party. We are in a dilema of celebrating in Popi or Maison. Hmm... since i havent been to Popi, i would rather go there neways.

Sad day for me in Dota, i actualy lost 4 games in 1 day. WTF... that is just sad man... n tourney is coming up on saturday. Well, i've got loads to buck up on. Neways, its been more than a week since the big arguement with viv, and yesterday she called to ask y did i mentioned that i wouldnt attend the party if she does? If only u knew what i felt and what i went through in BarCelona, i think u wouldnt ask that question viv.

Seriously, is it just childish to refuse seeing the girl that you love get drunk? I dont get it, i really did all i can to take care of her when she got drunk, but the only think that she can say to me is "LET GO!", "GO AWAY!". Sorry for being "childish" but i cant bare with it.

Is there anyone in this world who actualy dont trust anyone? is it actualy posible? lol...

Sucky times

Its been like a debt week for me as alot of people owe me money and i owe others. I was like wtf? lol... Neways, my allowance is coming up tomorrow anyways, so i'll just bare with it.

Viv, went to perhentian island for holidays with her high school friends. I was happy enough that she called, smsed and even bought me souvenier. Thx.. Eventough, wat we said on phone wasnt anything at all, but i was happy that she did remember me in some ways. Happy moments even with the guilt still hunting me every nite.

I went out with me ex for a drink 2 days ago, sharing problems and joking with our times be4. I asked her for some help and suggestions for Viv's upcoming birthday. Well, she said what i already planned would already be good enough. Well, i think the problem is just me, when i am always think nothing is ever good enough, i just want the best.

Anyways, here i am in FTZ posting this post. Guess wat? my comp died.... I dont know what is wrong with it but, yeah it sucks, since i bought a new mouse and mousepad to go with it. *damn

Friday, would be Nash's birthday, and a whole bunch of us would be going to celebrate his valueable 24th birthday. He said that it would be his last birthday in Malaysia... well, we only can wait and see. I was really sorry for him, as I made a pat that i wouldnt turn up if viv is going. I wouldnt want to have another day like my first post, the time when we went BarCelona. It was heart breaking to see a girl that you love calling someone else name when she is drunk.

Oh yeah, happy times in Bon odori. Posting some pics there when my comp revives. We saw this super hot chick in McDonalds after the event, well at least i still have the interest in girls after such a rough time with viv. Rough but the happiest moments of my life.

*missing u every moment, everytime*

Things are never the same again

Its hard these days to show a nice smile and think that everything was ok. I have to really learn how to just put my feelings a side, and start tolerating what goes on to maintain the "nice face".

Well, i am really trying to just be normal and happy infront of everyone. Kazu is back in Subang later in the evening, so i should be hanging out with him and the others keeping me away from FTZ as much as i can. Haha..

Yesterday, Viv messaged me and asked if i was in Genting. Eventough it wasn't a brilliant question to ask, but at least she still remembers me. Haha.. For all thats worth i just felt so happy when i actualy turned up in her mind out of no where. We havent spoke a single word to each other the day after, and just 1 day, it felt like the day just cant be right not having her arround me. Everything was just never into place.

I really wanted to know, if a girl says that she is not angry with you anymore, does it mean that you are forgiven? Eventough viv, does talk to me, and laugh arround like normal, something really deep seems to be missing. Besides the bullshit ever happened before when arguements are more than anything else, now we are not argueing but something just aint right.

I saw her today in FTZ, and it was sad that i havent got the guts to even say hello. After all i've done, i just cant seem to sleep peacefully. Life changes, but this is a change that i dont want to see it come. I just miss her so much. I just hope we could be like before and i really think that i got it right this time.

Forgiveness should be done after we forget, and love shall come after we connect. Its all the job of the GOD that i beleive in now, "TIME". Miss u Viv. sigh*

All I Could have did

Today, i started my day quite early in the morning when i just cant seem to have enough of sleep but i just wanted to fulfill my very very last moments with viv. Well, i havent updated the info but i just wont want to even talk about it, all i can say is that i did a terrible mistake.

Well, since we didnt manage to watch movie on friday we made a pat that we would watch it on monday after her class. It was a hard time even contacting her but we manage to watch it at the end of the day.

I am so happy that even after the day, i was left with just an empty wallet. At least i just got the time to see her. Well, it was so cold and i couldnt even have the courage to even ask her if she could offer me a hug. I was just too shy after wat i did, and i dont think in any way she would want to hug me as well. So i just bared with the cold, and watched the movie with deep sadness. I promised to her that i will be a man 1 day and i wont be with her untill I am the man she wants.

We went to Zenmai to have some sushi.. haha.. it was a horrifying moment for me, as i see japanese food as bad as poison, just wanted her to kinda laugh at me or something, i actualy took some into my mouth. I nearly trew up, but i manage to swallow it. Haha... Sadly, i really didnt have enough cash with me at that time, so we didnt get a perfect dinner. Well, all i did was borrowing my fren some cash and ended up having trouble paying for my own food with my loved one. Haha... well, we all know that whatever we do in our life or choices that we make, we never look back as we can never change the pass.

N guess wat, those salesmen came to sell the UMBRO perfumme again... haha... danniel and amir both bought 1 for each other... Well, i will always remember the time that i had when i received that perfumme from viv. We did had good times together tough, too bad that i was too naive to give her the happiness in life. I will seriously miss the time we had together. Its a waste that i cant keep my tears from falling everytime i see her picture in my phone. Sorry for being such a puss.

All i can say here is sorry viv, i really was being paranoid and please forgive me one day.

Goal : Grow up
Aim : Be Viv's one day
Song for you viv : How am I suppose to live without you by Michael Bolton

I ruin the day

Damn, i feel so stupid today... i fetched viv to One Utama for the ESWC qualifiers. Haiz... i blew my chance to have a nice movie time with her.. i feel sooo stupid now, as both saturday and sunday we are both busy.

Neways, for the first time since i came back to subang till now, i actualy came back at 10.30pm. LOL.. i was proud of myself, untill... my brother came in to my room to take some CDs... wtf.. that woke me up... Well, i am a kind of person that can sleep again after i wake up, so i decided to go FTZ... sigh*

Guess who i saw there? lol.. viv is there sleeping infront of her PC. Her hero was laying there for more than 30 mins.. so i went n took over... looking at her sleeping under my arms, it was sooo tempting to go kiss her on her forehead... I was kinda angry at her tough, cause she has to work tomorrow n there she is sleeping away in the internet cafe at 4am in the morning..

Its been 6 months since i started wooing her.. well, i dunno bout u guys, but feelings got deeper for me as more time goes by... yeah... we do argue alot, but i always think that arguing now is better than later.. haha.. At least there is time for both to change for the better... not only to each other, but for others as well.

The plan today was fetching her to OneU and when all was done, its gonna be about 11pm, so i can actualy stay over her place. Well, all was good untill i agreed to fetch my fren Danniel and Chan to OneU with me as well. LOL... well duty calls, i can fetch them there, i have to fetch them back neways... so my plan was failed... and accidentally ffk viv for movie.. damn it... well i will make it up to her tomorrow for a nice movie dinner date... haha..

I just LOVE time when we are just alone together.. Hoping for 1 day, i can hold her in my arms every single day and giving the love that she deserves... Cheers*