The more you try, The worst it gets

Sadly, its just so hard to face it in reality. Hearing songs related to your life on radio, hearing romours or humours people make about you, trying to be the best that you can be, trying to be as caring as posible, the patients to face her flaws, the intergrity lost from every direction, chances on watching the girl that you love happy, ways to prove that you're worth it.

It's sad to know that every shit that comes out from your mouth just irritates the shit out of people. It's not my fault to be brought up this way, where i just dont communicate much with people from "now". Things can be just the same, but expressed to you in a total different way than others. Yeah again i need to face it because life is never fair right? Everything has to be given but not taken... i just dont know how long i can bare with this shit, but when it gets out of hand, i think i might just BLOW!...

I know one day i will sit down infront of the computer laughing at this blog, seeing how naive i am. Being so old school by showing "sincere" instead of "charm". To tell "truth and honesty" instead of "sweet talks". Its just hard when you can see and feel that she gives a shit about you, but for wat reasons? LOVE? or she still needs you for certain reasons....

Theres soo many questions running through my head, when i know that the questions are only there because i asked for it. I got myself into this broken shoe, where i dont want to get out of it, but i want to repair it. I just cant seem to find the right solution for this...

Confused

I am back in genting for the 2nd day. I dont know what happen to me, i was finding for a part time job, then when i got back, i was sick as a pig. LOL... its the first time i got food poisoning.

Neways, i miss viv so much up here. Cant help not seeing her beautiful smile and funny faces. *sigh* I promised her that i am gonna be up here, grow up n stop all the emo attitude. I'll see her during her birthday soon.

Since when Genting became sooo cold? I grew up here and i cant bare with the weather. Damn it.. Feel sooo weak.

The day be4 i came up genting, i sent viv to studio33, as she has some sort of an interview for comentating ESWC finals in OneU. She said,"You're a nice guy Gary, we are still young, have fun. But ofcourse dun give up on love also lah." Hmm.... Dun think so much lah Gary, if she wants you she'll come...

I really want to type more but this keyboard really sucks.

Lectures

I came down from Genting early this morning. Negotiations after negotiations with my parents, at the end of the day, i manage to convince them that i am actualy serious to study in inti college, for my American degree. Neways, its all good there.

Later in the evening, i went with my parents to Carrefour to get some groceries. It was fun in a way when the family is together, shopping and i havent been seeing that in a long long time. Haha...

It was Jason's birthday, so i kinda called him over to fetch me somewhere so that i can celebrate with him since nobody asked him out yet. He's a great guy, but people seem to hate the way he boast about himself, all in all, he has been a great friend to me, there is no harm trying to make my friend happy for his Boring Birthday. *kekes*

We went Murni, with Ngai Hao, Ven, Mel, Evon and Willy, there is where all my lecturers start bangging me. Again and again its all about viv. I dont understand the fact that, she can be a real hard head at times, but I see her sensitive part and the beautiful part of viv. Emotions and temper can be improved from time to time. Theres no point talking n bringging up her pass as a so called barrier for me to love her. The pass cant be changed, but the present and the future can. Eventough there is a slight chance when it comes to Viv, but there is a chance, somewhere... I think that as a guy, i should tolerate the bad and love her positive side.

(Edited) My dignity and pride was shattered to ashes when everyone starts saying how stupid i am to go after a girl that seems imposible. Well, i kinda question myself sometimes, what i am actualy looking for? *sigh*

In my life, i have been through fast and long relationships, how fast i get a girl doesnt show how great I am, and how long i can last with a girl doesnt mean how patient I am. It all comes down to "what kind of relationship that we both are looking for?". I know, Viv is not ready to accept any guy at the moment, but it all still depends on how i want to make myself worth her love. There is no point bringging up all the stupid things i said to her, its the past. Y not just change, and build the relationship back up.

Sad to say, I am not a smooth talker, i am slow when it comes to girls that i really give a heart to. Not afraid of saying, i was a player back then. LOL.. When i dun give a shit, then i dun care about what people think, that leads to confidence and self-esteem. Having that, its a win-win situation. Lol... i've lived that part of my life before.

But i realize, from time to time, i build up enemies here and there. I just decided to change my lifestyle n try to be slightly on track with people. Being in the same channel so to speak.

What i see in Viv, is that she might be looking at a long term relationship rather than a for-fun-show guy. Which is just so important to know, so that nothing is taken for granted.

When a guy decides to make a move on a girl, there is no such thing as "wasting ur time". Come on, I am just 20, n she is just 18. What time are we wasting? There is only a chance to be given or taken from one another. This is no drama, lets face it, i am still holding on because my feelings are still with her. But, as time goes by, i might change my mind, but that is my decision.

LoL, i just hope that the feelings and chemistry between Viv and I can be settle between us. Can we work it out? Well, we'll let time decide.

Worth It

Yesterday, i went up Genting as posted in my previous post. Well, it was such a rush cause my bus ticket was at 5pm and by 4.20pm i am still in subang. Lol... Ktm was so unreliable but i was so lucky yesterday when the train actualy came right away after i bought my ticket. haha... The rusking was tiring but Air supply was having a concert and i am not risking anything to miss it. Haha..

Nhai Hao, Ven n Viv was there to watch it as well. At first i was so worried that i cant go in because the show was organized by a third party company and Genting was only hosting the event venue. I suppose to meet up with Sabrina, but i managed to enter the concert anyways, thx to Uncle Micheal. LOL.. I went and shared a seat with Viv. Well, it was all good for me, untill tears filled my eye during the song Air Supply-Goodbye.

I think we all enjoyed the performances together, well at least i did. It kinda felt that Viv was my girlfriend for just that particular day. I never did want the nite to end, but so we learned that every good things does come to an end. LOL..

We kinda smile and needed each other that time. Oh well, i think i was there for her cause she just cant stand watching Nhai Hao and Ven getting all mushy with those love songs played. LoL... It felt so much like a double date couple.

Gary cried? Damn... being all emo and stuff, sucks. I know as a guy, its kinda paiseh, but wat can i do? lol.. cant help it at all.

The happiest thing for me is that, my parents got the chance to meet Viv, and they gave me all their blessing. Her first impression to them was good. Good job..

Then now, i am back in Subang.. lol.. it so happens that both my parents are on leave. So here i am back here. Well, at least i can smoke less with their presence. Haha... good day guys... My day was worth it..

Insonmia

Its been a week since i have this problem of sleeping. LOL,i might be a maniac, but all in my mind is just how is she doing there, she keeps hunting me with weird msn nicks. EG: i dont care anymore, U're my past, not my present nor my future, etc etc...

I am never anything in her life, but she is my everything, but yet... from my previous quoted post, we should be loved not making someone love you. Haha.. All i can do now is just wait.. even tough every little things she does hurts me inside, but i am there to bare with it, and hope i can be loved.

Fren : How's things with u n viv?
Gary : OK LAH, she is out with her frenz watch movie.
Fren : Who?? Those lala ah?
Gary : Dunno hope not.
Fren : Y u didnt go?
Gary : Since when i was invited for anything she does?
Fren : ...swt...

Well, any of u guys that see this blog i hope all of u guys, wont face the same thing as me. It just kills the mood to do anything. As a so called commedian n a big brother to the folks in Genting, I really do suck now. Seriously, at my lowest point.

I am fucking retarded to actualy, express all my feelings in the blog, but i never keep anything inside of me, i dun bundle up my problems and blow up at the end of the day. For me its rather than talking to frenz who cant understand wat i am going through. Sooo many different oppinions n so many different choices for me to make. I know deep down in my heart that letting go of her would make me feel much better in the long run, but i just cant do it. I just hope, my working days in Genting would give me a chance to actualy forget her. Its just amazing what just 1 girl could do in ur life....

Neways, we'll skip the emotional stuff, Jason is staying over my place tonite.. omg... He damn gay sleeping on my bed. I have no intention sleeping with him at all.. so i'm going to the hall. LOL.. he got locked out of his house again.. I kinda pitty him tough, its the eve of his birthday and his car tire gave way. LOL.. well, happy birthday Jason, u're always a good fren to me. Sleep tight.

Later today, I'll be going to Genting. Staying close to my mum, to give her my love whom i know deserves it. Muax*

Life lessons *Quoted*

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will get hurt as well in the process.

I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned that it's more important in understanding the intentions of the act rather than the act itself.

I've learned that people would rather believed you're out to harm them rather than you're out to aid them.

I've learned that people are naturally selfish.

I've learned most people are usually perceived and judged by first impression.

I've learned that even if you have a license to kill, it does not necessitate you to go out and kill everybody you despised.

I've learn that true happiness is found is the man who is most contented.

I've learned that true serenity is about letting go. . .'

Beautiful words Edwin, may u be well and happy.

I've learned that listening to others for a change made me a better person.

I've learned that by loving someone, it doesn't mean that you should be together, the most important thing is the happiness she gets in the future coming.

Not as as beutiful as yours Edwin, but yeah.. i did learn that..

As Promised

Its a broke day for me, so i am staying home looking through my blog to see how sucky my english can be. LOL.. then i remembered to try post up pictures in my blog, at last i found.


The box lying on my bed beside me all nite, kekes...


ok thats me, trying to act cool with the bottle. FAIL!

I suppose to be back up in Genting like 3 days ago, but delays after delays, problems after problems, i was so confident that i can be up by today. Yesterday nite, Amir called me up as he was locked out from his house for not obeying his curfew. LOL.. i went out to the shell station in USJ2 to get him and ended up bunking in my place. Then all i remembered was, i didnt wake up to go out with my brother, sigh*

Neways, knowing that viv is going out with her frenz today for movies sucks. Damn.. y cant i be there to watch together? lol.. Come on.. i am not that naive, she is just going out with her frenz, wat more can happen? It just sucks to know that i cant join in the fun.. damn...

Rotting now at home untill my brother gets back.. so cont later or tomorrow arite..

Amazing day

Well, i started my day slow, as i was having a hard time sleeping the nite be4. I called out my frenz for a lunch meet up. LOL... viv was there, n i did my best not to get the emotions in me affect the condition of the whole environment. Then these weird guys turn up to promote a new product.

The whole product thing was said to be in malaysia by august and its some kind of perfumme by UMBRO. The bottle cost RM120, and now while they are promoting, the company would support 50% so we would have to pay RM60 for the bottle and get 1 extra bottle free. Aiyah... let make things easier to understand, Rm30 per bottle. LOL...

All of a sudden, viv bought the bottles n actualy gave 1 to me. WTF? since when she knows how to offer things to people neways? i wondered. Well, ofcourse i accepted the gift with wide hands open. Haha.. I even took a picture with it. Will update it after i know how to upload some pictures to my blog.

Haha..I send her back again n was offered to eat at her place. LOL.. i rejected.. haha.. Its because the day went too well to ruin it. I am so afraid if all of a sudden i make her angry in any way.

I love today n god bless me.. kekes.

Its been a long day...

When i woke up this morning.. i tought of a day where i can make vivienne change her thinking bout me.... At least she love the ball that i gave her.. haha... i heard her saying tq to me for the 1st time...

it all went well untill i went to her house for dinner... seems to me that whatever i do, its just not good enough. Haha.. well i cant blame her.. i've been pushing too hard.. even some face that i make seems to make her unhappy n saying that i am being sarcastic to her.. lol... i think i just have that irritating face which is given by All-mighty.

Cant blame a guy for trying that is all i can say.. i've decided to go work for my holidays, n i want to go somewhere far from subang to take a time out from all this bull shit.Well, after dinner, again i argued with her, n i just went out with Ven n Ngai Hao. We went n played pool, wow.. at least i didnt got a flat lost. Haha... It was fun n i loved their advice alot. So goodbye subang.

1st day of Blogspot...

Hi, I am Gary Tan Siong Wai, currently living in subang and going to Inti college this coming september. I am 20 this year and currently n sadly, single n available.. *sigh..

Neways, i am currently still after this girl that is just soooo damn hard to get.. well.. have any of u been into a position where, when u call her she say u are irritating, but when u dont she says u didnt care. WTF? I just dun get girls these days... when u do something for her she takes advantage, when u dont, then they say "u're just not sincere".. omg..

I was wondering, do every girls actualy assume every guys just want a piece of their body so thats y guys just have to work hard to get the girl, rather than the other way arround? hmm.. i dunno how girls fluctuate their price, but.. when u get too expensive n playing hard to get.. damn.. it just get into the nerves.. haha..

Just went barcelona for my 1st time last saturday n it was a great hit untill she gets drunk.. damn.. Can u all imagine, the feeling of seeing a girl that u love, dancing with some stranger guys?? omg.. that really hurt me like.. damn.. luckily it was just a dance n not particularly doing anything more deep into the whole process. haha.. I manage to pull her back n get her on her feet, then her heels went off. LOL.. please i think every guy will do what i did, took of my shoes n place in on her feet. Before i know it, she fell n i just got to bring her back to the table. *barefooted*. Can u imagine the pieces of glass broken n pukes all over the floor with a girl on ur back to carry plus a slight tipcy going up to ur head... damn.. i was owned!

Overall, at least i was happy that we didnt cause any much trouble in the club.. damn she bites n sorry to say, she is heavy!! haha.. maybe i am just not buff enough, so better buck up Gary.. This post suck as an intro to my blog, but, thats just in my head.. so just be it.. Haha..